May 29, 2006

Fully Faltoo

What does MTV do to fill up its horde of void air-time? Perhaps the same thing I intend to do right now. Something completely 'Faltoo' or 'Futile' to say in english. Though these two words cannot be technically termed as homonyms, yet somehow both of them can qualify as a slangish translation of the other in their own native languages. That is to say, each is the originator of the other. Somehow we as hindi-tongue metamorphosed the word 'Futile' over a period of time, bounded by our immature penchant to include english words in our daily talks, in to what MTV proudly broadcasts as a full fledged package of so called fabricated 'inter-tainment'.

Or maybe, Brits as english-toungue during their era of Indian oppression, realized that they have been missing a word, whose meaning they would have never grasped by heart, only because of their belief that the sun never sets in the english empire and that they have never done anything, during the whole course of their civilization, which in essence qualified as pointless or fruitless. So they embezzled the word 'Faltoo', transposed the letters 'l' and 't', polished it with some english ascent and a whole new word - 'Futile'.

OK, whatever be the background of these words, the reason as I made clear in the beginning, is to spend time writing something 'Fully Faltoo', something without heads or tails, something which has no literary value, or which can be read mechanically like a verbose paragraph but makes no sense at all. And its indeed a tough task- to not make sense. Give a shot on writing something gibbrish, keeping the grammar intact with the proper use of words, and I bet you end up writing something useful for someone.

But is that the case always, and with everyone, becasueI seriously doubt what I opined above. Thanks, to a white paper which I am fighting to convert for the past two weeks, into a more meaningful,informative and purposive document. I think white papers, are more loyal towards their name, by being 'White', in a holistic sense, with not an iota of information to disperse to its readers. And in this fight I have been compelled to believe that 'lingerie' alone is not the only manifestation of brevity, but 'white papers' too are in the same league.

Anyhow, the goal seems to have been defeated here, because the post is not substantially 'Futile' in a satisfactory sense, or may be it is, who knows, except for the one who can make sense out of it. Besides, sleep is one thing , that can make a genius, think not with his head, but tail, and that's what am doing I guess. I'll better cull this down here and get some 'fruitful' sleep.

May 14, 2006


Most people are alive because its illegal to shoot them.Someone had said. And that's true to the last of its word in my opinion. To be honest I was a bit apprehensive at first to write a post on the demeanour of others, but after 4(+3) days of futile procrastination, I finally decided to let go it.

Well to put it straight - Man is a social animal. And I just can't stop laughing because that phrase holds a very special and cliched status in my local friend circle. But its pertinent here for the kind of double meaning it circulates, one which implies that Man is unlike Animal because Man is social, and the second that Man is after all an animal. Carrying this foundation forward to the the point I intend to bring in - That its natural for us as 'residual animals' to not like certain individuals, or group of people around us because of their demeanor. So that 'despise list' of ours, consisting of those, whom we despise for one or the other reasons( and at times without reason also), automatically becomes a natural product owned by each of us.

Speaking of which, I would like to present with some quintessential of the very like, who in one or the other manifestations would be present in the despise list of everybody. So the first place in my hit list is occupied by the - The Uncle Jacks' ( basically the jack of all trades..and masters of none..) -
Though you may at first instance not be able to relate them as any distant relative of Uncle Sam, but it takes a few minutes of chinwag, that you start disliking them (like you do Uncle Sam) for the reasons,you cant even dare to tell them. They know more than you about the profession you are in. So, obviously you just cant undermine the complex of self-ignorance by discussing theirs with them. They would not mind giving you advice on anything ranging from a cure for common cold to whether your computer needs a DDR-I or II RAM. They are the best possible local ( and moving) britanica's available around you, without any guarantee on the veracity of their informational content. Personally, I just hate to even see such people around me, but that they unfortunately keep popping somewhere among my relatives, gives me a bad bad time on social occasions.

Next in the list are those who can be straight away classified as despicable for no reason at all except for their mirror cracking,ugly and unwelcome faces that you have to encounter everyday in your workplace because like the lyrics of Enrique's song goes - You can run, You can hide, but you cannot escape - their faces. That's the case, there are faces in your office which make you delighted, which give you a pleasant feeling, and then there are the faces of these second kind - which will keep hitting you, for you dont like to see them. Don't know what's with these faces after all. I agree that an ugly face doesn't qualify as a demeanor at a person's level, but tell you what, most of the times an ugly face entails an equally forbidding demeanor which can piss you off.

And yes, the third kind - Hypocrites. Can be found in abundance everywhere. Maybe you can count yourself as one among them. Infact I have tried many a times during self inspection not to relinquish myself as yet another brick in the wall of hypocrites, but I think its just not possible. Hypocrites in themselves are not bummers, its the preposterous act of boasting the hypocrisy which can make you kill them. They can talk about the impotency of government one minute and in the next flaunt their ingenuity by telling you the ways of tax evasion. They can argue on cons of prostitution if legalised in India, and beg you the same hour for the next MMS clip. They can proudly speak of their agnosticism and pray in the temple next day for the exams. Such are they , that you woudn't feel bad to have them executed for being what they are.

But Off all the reasons one can have for despising others, I feel its this despise list which keeps you from following or doing or behaving in a manner you dont like in others. Thus its as necessary and vile as a list to have one.

May 1, 2006


Well, that's what you call a pizza, when it comes for free - a Frizza (Free pizza) !. For us however the word fits more cleverly as our weekend luncheon on a more or less regular basis. Hold it dont start clicking for your dictionaries. Oxford is still to give recognition to this word, but only after they recieve a letter of requisition for the same. Any volunteers for that? - do contact me (shouldn't be hard !).

The etymology of this word can be easily understood in the context of Pizzas, because the only thing you can get for free in this world and that too delivered at your door steps is a Pizza(* conditions apply). Thanks to those MNC's and their global objective capitalistic philosophies prevailing in the world today which enunciates - 'Customer is our God'. And damn sure I am, that after a frizza you'll certainly 'feel like a god'.

So, we have devised an almost unfailing and pragmatic plan (the average succes rate stands somewhere at 3 out of 5 times) for anyone to obtain a free pizza, but you will have to read this whole post till the end to get to that. No no, don't start scrolling coz its not even at the end. Because you must always remember - There are no free lunches in this world ;).

Frizza as I would put it in the marketing language, is more of a corporate retaliation of Do-mi-noes against the Freshizzaa of Pizza Hut (Dominoes does not like to promote the same for unknown reasons even I dont know). But somehow I have a definite penchant for the former and an equally strong dislike for the latter. There are blatant differences between the two. We know it all. But what most of us will not know is how to get one i.e. a frizza. Most certainly any voracious pizza eater would some or the other time have had a pizza feast when the delivery man gets late and by the company policy of '30 minutes or free' s/he would be more than happy for not paying for it.

But how about gettting the same at the success rate of 3 out of 5 times. Sounds, interesting, isn't it. So here are some tips -

1.) Always order a pizza at the peak hour. Peak hours include the rush traffic hours when ppl retrun from their offices in the evening.

2.) If you never read the weather section of your newspaper, take up the habit of reading it today itself. Because if your city is going to witness an unwelcome rain or a storm in the evening, you got to make the best of it by ordering a pizza after the sunset.

3.) On weekends, for the lazybones and breakfast skippers like me who would not like to step out of their home or even their room, their lunch orders suddenly start to weigh heavily on nearest pizza shop. So for an afternoon frizza meal, check if your clock shows post 1230 hours, its the best time to order the pizza.

4.) Always start your stop watch the second you put down your phone after ordering your frizza. For a frizza you ought to be on your toes. Counting each second that passes, ready to show the delivery boy his ineptness of missing that 30 minute deadline by a 'second'.

5.) Most of the pizza shops keep a database of number, addresses and the associated person and the name of delivery boy who last delivered a pizza there. So always try to place your order with different numbers of your friends in turn to order a pizza.

6.) In continuation to the above tip, keep atleast 3-4 different formats of your home address handy. For e.g. an address of the sort - Flat No. -1 , ABC Apt, XYZ Street can be provided as

a) 1st Floor, 1st Flat, ABC Apt on XYZ Street.
b) ABC Apt, Near (some landmark) , Flat No-1, XYZ Street.
c) Flat No-1 , ABC Apt, Near (some landmark) , PIN-xxxxxx.

This would ensure that it takes some time for them to figure out that its the same location where they have already shipped the pizza.

7.) And last but not the least - Ingrain yourself of the fact that a free pizza is your birth right. So dont feel shy or ashamed while demanding a free pizza when your delivery runs out of time even by a margin of a second. Because unless you contain that obduracy and shamelessness to do that, you dont really deserve to eat a frizza.

Ok, I guess those should be enough, unless you have your customized versions in addition to all the above tips which you can add on to the list as your comments. I just recalled a (poor) joke in context to my frizza delivery shop - Dominoes, which goes something like this -
What is the opposite of Domi-noes?
-Domi-does-not-know.(select the white part with mouse if you give up)

And it rightly goes along in here, because Dominoes really does not know that there are people like us who will not forgo a single chance to keep the Dominoes profit short of their share.